And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
