I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize