Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
