Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
