My friends, they love my intelligence
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
