Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize