Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
