just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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