my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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