So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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