If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize