I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
