She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
