I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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