there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Can I color on your dick again?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
