I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize