Apparently you make a good broom.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
