i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
