last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
