i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
