So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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