I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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