What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
