...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
that is very illegal...i love you.
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