i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
