The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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