Got a toothbrush?
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
