you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
