I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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