my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
