Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
