He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Someone signed my nipple.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
