After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
