My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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