I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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