I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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