there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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