im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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