i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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