i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
