I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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