literally had 100 drinks last night.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
