69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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