You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
