it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
