i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
