i permit you to call me
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
