We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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