I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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