I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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