Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
