whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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