I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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