4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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