Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
