I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
