I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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