So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
