I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
