If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize