Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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