last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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